The new decade has begun. Old baggage, ancient history, lost souls, and the freak show that accompanies all of this are once again titillating us, and occupying the front pages. The truth is out now with the revelations of slugger Mark McGwire, Harry Reid, and former governor Rod Blagojevich. We should be thrilled, all we need is to find those WMD’s in Iraq and we can wipe the slate clean.
Like we didn’t know Mark McGwire wasn’t juiced when he and his partner in crime Sammy Sosa made a run for the home run record established by the tortured soul Roger Maris. McGwire came up with a lame justification, claiming that he only needed the ‘roids to mend his ailing body and to get healthy after suffering injuries. Yeah right, and I only like to watch porn because I really enjoy the soundtracks, need to have a good self-image, and reckon that dreaming about having a 10-inch dong will make me a better lover.
Who’s this asshole kidding? He did it because it made him famous and a hero. He was chasing history, and attempting to claim one of the all-time records in sports. Now he’s sorry and regretful. We didn’t see that when he went before Congress and defiantly refused to come clean. If he had ‘fessed up when given the perfect opportunity, he’d be a lot closer to being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. He’s now lost in the shuffle, and light years from obtaining the 75 percent of the votes necessary to get in. Here’s the truth Mark; you cheated, you blew it, and your confession didn’t sway anybody’s opinion about you. Strike three, you’re out!
Next topic: Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader from the confederate state of Nevada. Reid favors light-skinned blacks as presidential candidates over dark–skinned blacks. This one has managed to arouse the righteous indignation of the Republican zealots who claim that Reid should be compelled to suffer a similar fate that was bestowed upon one of his predecessors, Trent Lott of Mississippi. Lott got benched, ostracized, and stabbed in the back by Bush #43, because he clamored for a return to the good old days when Strom Thurmond was still in his sexual prime and conjugating with the black race while running for president as an out-and-out racist. This effusive praise by Lott came at a birthday celebration for Thurmond.
Let’s see here, Michael Steele, our hero and political guru, spokesman for the Republican Party, feels that there is a dual standard. Democrats can get away with racist comments, Republicans can’t. The truth is he’s doing his best to compare Bull Connor to bullshit. Nobody cares about the remarks other than the chronic carpers. Reid was one of Obama’s early backers for president, choosing him over Hillary and Joe. Obama plans to campaign for Reid later in the year in Nevada, so what’s the truth about this? Reid stays for now, Republicans are still the party of the old South, and if one of Strom Thurmond’s light-skinned progeny runs for president and wins, this will confirm Harry Reid’s thesis.
Finally, another gift that keeps on giving is ex-Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. This poor bastard has attempted every trick in the book just to stay in the news and has failed miserably. If you remember, about 12 months ago he compared himself to every recognizable figure in history and no one followed up on that—including Larry King.
He was then repeatedly turned down from one reality TV show after another—although it appears he may have a gig with “The Donald” (although Trump may be using all of this as a cover to get hair care tips). Late last year in a move of supreme desperation, the ex-gov even came out with a tell-all book. If you missed it, don’t worry, so did everyone else. If you thought Blago may have learned something from his troubles—have no fear –he didn’t, because just like Wiley Coyote he’s taken the bait yet again.
You see, Rod Blagojevich is not only misunderstood, he’s a soul brother. In fact, he claimed to Esquire magazine that he’s “blacker than Obama.” The criteria for this bold statement is somewhat fuzzy, but it appears that Rod shined shoes at some point in his life and lived in a small, possibly cramped apartment. So at least in his mind, he’s walked the walk and therefore can now talk the talk.
Unfortunately for Blago, it’s 2010 and just saying something stupid isn’t enough anymore. If the ex-governor really wants to capture our attention, he needs to put his money where his hair is and shave his head. Maybe then we’ll listen.
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